Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bébé provides an insightful exploration into the art of French parenting, contrasting it with American parenting styles. As an American journalist living in Paris, Druckerman examines how French parents raise well-behaved, independent children without the high levels of stress often seen in other parenting cultures. Through personal anecdotes, observations, and research, she seeks to answer a pivotal question: What makes French parenting so effective?
The Story Behind the Book
Druckerman moved to Paris with her husband and their first child. Immediately, she noticed stark differences in how French and American parents interacted with their children. French toddlers seemed to be calmer, more independent, and better behaved, while American children—like her own—often appeared restless or demanding. Intrigued by these differences, she set out on a quest to understand the core principles behind the French way of raising kids.
Her journey began with interviews with parents, pediatricians, and educators, leading to the realization that French parenting is based on a few key philosophies that promote balance, patience, and autonomy in children.
Key Concepts in French Parenting
At the heart of Bringing Up Bébé are several foundational concepts that guide French parenting practices:
1. The Importance of “Cadre” (Framework)
One of the primary principles Druckerman emphasizes is the concept of the “cadre” or framework. French parents set firm boundaries for their children, but within those boundaries, children have the freedom to make their own choices. This balance between structure and independence is critical in teaching children how to self-regulate and develop autonomy.
For example, French parents enforce strict rules around mealtimes and sleep schedules, but they allow their children to explore freely within those parameters. This structured freedom encourages children to behave respectfully while still developing a sense of agency.
2. Delayed Gratification
Another standout principle is the emphasis on delayed gratification. French parents teach their children to wait for things, whether it’s for a meal, a snack, or a toy. This helps kids develop patience and self-control early on, which Druckerman notes is often missing in more permissive American parenting styles.
The French approach to snacks, for instance, is drastically different from the American habit of constant grazing. French children are typically given only one snack a day at a designated time—le goûter—teaching them to savor and appreciate food rather than consume it mindlessly.
3. Le Pause: Sleep Training, French Style
French parents practice what Druckerman calls Le Pause, a method that encourages babies to learn how to sleep through the night on their own. Instead of rushing to soothe their babies at the first sound of distress, French parents wait for a few minutes to see if the child will fall back asleep. This teaches babies to self-soothe, leading to better sleep habits for both the child and the parents.
This practice is a reflection of the broader French belief in fostering independence and patience from a young age, which has positive long-term effects on children’s sleep, behavior, and emotional regulation.
4. Meals and Manners
In France, mealtimes are sacred family moments, and food is more than just fuel—it’s a cultural experience. French parents involve their children in the process of eating from a young age, exposing them to a variety of foods and flavors. French children typically eat what the adults are eating, learning to appreciate different textures and tastes instead of relying on “kid-friendly” meals like chicken nuggets or mac and cheese.
Druckerman points out that French parents also emphasize the importance of good manners at the table. Children are taught to greet adults, ask politely for food, and engage in conversations during meals. This not only fosters social skills but also builds a child’s respect for others.
Cultural Differences and Misconceptions
While Bringing Up Bébé paints an idyllic picture of French parenting, it’s important to recognize the cultural context in which these practices exist. Druckerman acknowledges that French parents benefit from strong social systems, such as government-subsidized childcare, paid parental leave, and a supportive community of family and friends.
French parents are also less likely to be consumed by the “mommy wars” or the pressure to be perfect parents, a phenomenon more common in the U.S. French society places a high value on adult independence and self-care, meaning that parents don’t feel guilty about maintaining their own lives while raising children.
However, some critics argue that Druckerman romanticizes French parenting and overlooks its flaws. For example, while French children may be more disciplined, the country has a more rigid educational system, and parents might face pressures to conform to societal expectations of behavior and success.
Conclusion: Lessons for Parents Everywhere
Bringing Up Bébé is not just a guide to French parenting; it’s a reflection on the universal challenges of raising children. Druckerman offers a fresh perspective that encourages parents to step back, give their children more independence, and embrace the idea that children are capable of learning patience, self-discipline, and good manners at a young age.
The book’s insights can help parents, regardless of cultural background, to find a balance between being nurturing and giving their children the freedom to grow. Through humor and honest reflections on her own parenting journey, Druckerman provides a valuable resource for parents seeking to raise well-rounded, happy, and respectful children.
